


Better Without Me

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Blood, Dark, Friendship, Gen, Healers, Hurt/Comfort, Marauders' Era, Mental Health Issues, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, St Mungo's Hospital, Suicide Attempt, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:31:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7138058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James gets the fright of his life when he finds Remus alone in the dormitory - but is it too late to help him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old story I published on ff.net a couple of years ago.

Fifteen year old Remus Lupin sat on his bed, staring into space. He couldn't believe what had happened; the last transformation had definitely been the worst, and he was still aching from his many injuries.

But he wasn't troubled by the injuries - he had been badly hurt once a month of over ten years now - instead, Remus' mind was reeling with the news he'd received. James, Sirius and Peter had come to visit him in the hospital wing, accompanied, strangely, by Professor McGonagall, and they were made to tell him what they had done: Sirius and Peter had told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow, and he had almost got to the Shrieking Shack before James had stopped him. Snape had got close enough to hear him rampaging around the house, but, luckily - although Sirius didn't think so - not close enough to be ripped to bits. Remus had shuddered as he realised how close he had come to murdering someone, and, although Professor Mcgonagall assured him that Snape had been sworn to secrecy, that Severus Snape knew his secret.

Back in his dormitory, Remus put his head in his hands, glad to be alone, and let himself fall back onto the pillow. His mind was spinning - he had come so close to killing Severus, how could he do that? Remus knew that werewolves had no control over their actions after transforming, but even so, he couldn't believe that he could have easily killed someone else.

"Why did this happen to me?" Remus thought aloud, tears trickling down his pale, bruised face. He wished that he'd never been bitten, he wished he'd never come to Hogwarts, he wished he'd never got close to people he could easily hurt, and - Remus took a ragged breath - he wished that he'd never been born.

Curling up awkwardly, Remus rocked himself from side to side, feeling on the edge of a nervous breakdown, his body shaking with sobs. He hated himself for being such a baby, but was unable to stop the waves of guilt flowing through him.

He had never had the best record of mental health – he had been depressed in his first year and was permanently anxious – but, recently, he had suffered a relapse. He had been cutting himself, and, not for the first time, he had wanted to die.

Remus suddenly sat up, and limped over to the cabinet next to Sirius' bed, where he knew Sirius, who had recently began shaving, kept his razors. He was still crying, but felt calm as he came to a decision.

"Everyone hates me," he muttered bitterly, “and the world would defiantly be better without another monster." Remus screwed up his eyes to try and stop sobbing, but the pain in his mind wouldn't stop as easily as the flow of tears. Grabbing a cutthroat razor from the cabinet, Remus stumbled back to his bed, where he drew the curtains, hands trembling, but mind still.

Taking a deep breath, Remus sliced through his left wrist, clamping his lips together to stop the scream of agony escaping, startled by the flood of scarlet blood that poured from the wound. Toppling sideways, Remus took the blade in his bloody left hand, and cut a clumsier gash in his right wrist. Searing pain pounded in his brain, and Remus found himself getting drowsy, before he finally passed out in a pool of his own blood.

\---

James Potter and Sirius Black ran along the corridor, Peter Pettigrew struggling to keep up, wanting to change out of their Quidditch robes before dinner. He and Sirius had taken part in a challenging practice session, but he was proud to have caught the snitch nine times out of ten, and Peter had been watching, looking slightly envious. James had asked Remus if he wanted to come, but Remus had said that he wanted to do his homework, so they had left him in the crowded common room two hours ago.

After telling the Fat Lady the password, Sirius and the others entered the common room, glancing around for Remus, who was nowhere to be seen.

"He must be having a nap." James said, knowing that Remus always felt shattered, especially only days after the transformation, and he ran up the stairs, bursting through the doorway way before the other two.

The curtains were drawn around Remus' bed, so James crept over, and slowly drew them. He froze in horror, almost throwing up; Remus was lying unconscious on is bed, blood pouring from a deep cut on either arm, a razor loosely gripped in his hand.

"Remus!" James cried, collapsing onto the bed next to him and resting his friend's head on his lap, terror flooding through him.

Sirius and Peter appeared beside him; Peter screamed, and Sirius spun on his heels, heading straight to Professor McGonagall.

James cradled Remus' face, sobbing, unable to believe what he had done, "Why did you have to do it, Moony?" He whispered.

Peter was whimpering; James patted the smaller boy's shoulder, smearing his robes with blood.

"Is he dead, Prongs?" Peter squeaked. James just shook his head, unable to speak, but knowing that Remus was still alive as he felt his pulse.

Sirius returned a few seconds later with the head of their house, who recoiled slightly at the sight of Remus. She guessed had happened at once."All right, Black, Pettigrew and Potter, I'm going to take Lupin to the hospital wing, so you can follow me if you wish."

She muttered a spell that James couldn’t catch under her breath, and Remus was lifted off of the bed. She left the room, Remus hovering in front of her, blood dripping onto the floor, and went over to the fireplace in the common room, the three marauders following close behind.

Every person in the common room stared, but a look from Professor McGonagall made them hold their tongues. Digging her hand into her pocket, she pulled out a handful of floo powder, and, after standing in the fireplace with a tight grip on Remus' arm, she threw the powder to the floor, shouting "Hospital wing!", before they disappeared from sight.

Sirius, James and Peter were left in the common room, and, despite the dozens of students asking them endless questions, they felt completely alone.


	2. Chapter 2

"What's happened, James?" Lily Evans cried, rushing over to where the three boys were standing. She was startled to see James and Peter crying, and Sirius on the verge of tears.

James tried to speak, but the only sound that escaped his mouth was a squeak. She turned to Sirius instead, whose eyes were overly bright.

"Moony... Remus... he - he." Sirius broke down, burying his face in his hands. The others in the common room crowded around the four fifth years, shocked to see Sirius Black, who was usually cheerful and cocky, sobbing his heart out. Lily, seeing how much the questions were hurting the boys, took his arm.

"Come on, you three," She said softly, leading him, and James and Peter, towards the portrait hole, "Let's go to the hospital wing."

She had only just pulled Sirius through the hole into the corridor, when Professor McGonagall appeared before her.

"Ah, there you are," She said, "Potter, Black and Pettigrew, can you come with me please? I need a word with you."

Lily patted Sirius and Peter on the back, and, to his surprise, gave James, who was trying hard to stop sobbing, a hug. “He'll be okay." She whispered to them, before heading back into the common room.

The boys turned to face the head of their house, who looked uncharacteristically kind. Following close behind her, they soon found themselves in her office. James and Sirius were used to being called in here, but Peter, who was a lot better behaved, had hardly ever set foot in the large office, and looked terrified.

Professor McGonagall noticed and said to him, "It’s alright, Pettigrew, you're not in trouble." A small smile flashed across her face.

After being told to sit down, the three boys sat side by side in front of the large, wooden desk, behind which, sat Professor McGonagall, who stared sympathetically at them from behind her glasses. "I just wanted to ask you about the... incident involving Lupin." She saw the colour drain from their faces about the sound of their friend's name. James honestly looked like he was going to faint, and Peter was swaying in his seat. Digging under her desk, Professor McGonagall pulled out a slab of chocolate, which she broke into pieces and offered to the boys.

"We don't really know what happened, professor." Sirius began, taking a bite of the chocolate. He looked sideways at Peter, who was nibbling the chocolate like a mouse, and James, who had shoved the whole wedge in his mouth at once, looking for a quick fix to the faintness he was feeling.

James soon realised this was a mistake: his mouth was coated in creamy chocolate, and as he tried to swallow, his stomach lurched. Professor McGonagall saw him turn pale grey, and quickly steered James to the bin, where he vomited violently. She rubbed his back until, finally, he stopped. James looked up, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, and smiled apologetically.

"It’s nothing." She whispered, patting him on the shoulder.

They returned to the desk, where Sirius and Peter had finished their chocolate, and Sirius was giving Peter a hug.

"Now, back to the questions. Do you know anything, Potter?"

James gulped, trembling, "Remus was alone in our dormitory... we went in... I opened his curtains... and... he'd slit his wrists!" James stammered, breaking into a hysterical flood of tears.

"Do you know why?" Professor McGonagall pressed.

"I know he was upset with the joke we played on Sniv- Snape." Peter squeaked.

"Ah." She seemed to understand, "I see."

"And he's always been quite sensitive." James added, "It's really easy to upset him."

"Can we see Remus now?" Sirius asked, trying not to sound impatient.

Professor McGonagall paused, "I'm afraid that Lupin is currently at St Mungo's." She said sadly. "He needed a blood transfusion."

"But will he be all right? Will we be able to see him soon?" Sirius persisted, before adding, as an afterthought, "Professor."

"I don't know, Black." She said truthfully, feeling awful as the boy's faces fell even further. "But I hope so..."

James, Sirius and Peter walked through the doorway into the great hall with Professor McGonagall. She was insisting that they all ate with the others, despite the fact that they all, especially James, didn't feel like eating.

Everyone turned to look as the three tear-stained boys sat at the Gryffindor table, and Sirius soon heard a sly voice from the Slytherin table behind him.

"Hey, Black," drawled a Slytherin boy whose name evaded James, "What happened to Loopy Lupin?"

"Nothing - shut your face!" He snapped, fists clenched, as he spun around in his seat.

"Leave it, Sirius." Said Lily, who was sat beside him, "He's not worth it."

"Still," The Slytherin continued, egged on by his friends, "it’s not like the world will miss him if he dies-"

James felt the same rush of anger that was pulsing through Sirius, "He's NOT going to die!"

He ignored him and continued, "- he's only a halfblood."

Lily leapt to her feet, "Shut up! What does it matter if Remus is halfblood?" She cried in disbelief.

The Slytherin looked disgusted, "Get away from me you mudblood!" He spat.

The Professors had noticed that something was going on, and as Dumbledore heard the dreaded word, he stood up, and the hall fell silent.

James resisted the urge to curse the boy and all his friends, and looked up at the headmaster, who said, “Ten points from Slytherin. Potter, Pettigrew and Black and Miss Evans, can I see you outside."

Looking shocked at being asked to speak to Dumbledore in person, the four of them went out into the hallway, where their headmaster, and Professor McGonagall, looked at them inquisitively.

"May I ask why that word was used?" He asked Lily.

"He was being horrible about Remus, Sir, he said he was going to die and said that it wouldn't matter because he's a halfblood." Lily blurted.

"So Evans told him off and he called her... that word." James added, still fuming.

Completely unexpectedly, Dumbledore reached out and patted James on the shoulder, "Remus will be alright, Mr Potter, and your blood status means nothing - I just wish the wizarding would realise that."

The four students smiled weakly at their headmaster, but his optimism failed to stop the feeling of dread in their stomachs that Remus was going to die...


	3. Chapter 3

Remus woke up in a hospital bed with a pounding headache. His eyes ached, and quickly filled with tears as he remembered everything: his transformation, the ‘joke’ his friends played, and, of course . . .

He looked down at his arms, which looked like normal again. Unlike his scratches from when he hurt himself when he had transformed, the cuts from the razor had obviously been swiftly healed, making his wrists look like nothing had happened. He just wished he could say the same for his memory.

Even though his memory of the . . . incident was crystal clear, Remus didn’t remember much of what happened after he passed out from blood loss. He remembered someone trying to revive him, leaving him semi conscious, staring up at James with half closed eyes. He remembered being levitated in the air, and a sudden cloud of green and spinning so fast he wanted to be sick, and it occurred a little too late that he was suddenly travelling by Floo. He remembered a healer wrapping bandages around his arms as he came into St Mungo’s, carrying him towards a bed, and someone forcing him to drink a foul liquid that tasted faintly of blood. It had made him drowsy, and he passed out again. And, when he woke up, he was in this bed.

He looked up, and saw two figures sitting beside his bed. It was his parents, his mother crying into his father’s chest. When they saw he was awake, they both tried to smile.

“Hello, Remus,” Mr Lupin said softly.

He still felt drowsy, but he managed to reply, “Hello, Dad.”

“How could you do it, Remus?” His mother said, her voice wobbling as she continued to sob.

Remus swallowed, wishing he could get the foul taste out of his mouth. “I don’t know.”

And he really didn’t. He just, at that moment, knew he didn’t want to like anymore. And he sitll didn’t know if he really did. Everything was just so awful.

But he knew his parents wouldn’t understand. They always excepted him to cope, even with his lycanthropy, and he didn’t know how to begin to explain his depression and suicidal thoughts. Knowing them, they would just tell him to get over it. And he didn’t know fi that was even possible.

“What are we going to tell the family?” Mr Lupin said, staring off into the mid distance, frowning.

“I don’t know,” Remus said, trying not to sound like he didn’t give a crap. After all, most of their family avoided him, as though they were scared of him ever since he was bitten.

What he really wanted was to see his friends, because he knew that, despite their faults, his fellow Marauders really did care about him.

\---

Once they had finished talking to Dumbledore, the three Marauders and Lily were expected to go back into the Great Hall, but they argued until he let them go back to the common room early. Smiling weakly, they headed off, glad to be away from the other students. They walked back to the common room in silence, none of them knowing what to say.

James still felt sick, and Peter was on the verge of tears. Sirius was trying his best to stay calm, but he didn’t feel any better. And Lily felt awful when she looked at the usually silly, carefree boys who now looked dreadfully stressed. And they all thought of Remus, and hoped beyond hope that the werewolf would pull through.

When they got back to the common room, they trailed up to the boy’s dormitory, but they instantly regretted it when they saw the blood. Professor McGonagall had been in such a rush to get Remus to the hospital that she hadn’t stopped to clean up the room. Consequently, congealed blood was all over Mooney’s bed, and dripped all over the floor. James felt like he was going to throw up again, and Sirius turned his head away.

Seeing the looks on their faces, Lily took out her wand, muttering a charm under her breath. It took her a couple of tries, but, eventually, the blood vanished. Peter breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank you, Evans,” Sirius said weakly.

He sat down on Remus’ now blood free bed. He picked up his cutthroat razor, grimacing when he released that that was what Remus had cut himself with. He blinked back tears, willing himself not to break down again.

Then they all sat in silence, because no one really had anything to say. Lily watched James put his arm around Peter, and sighed when she saw Sirius turning the razor over and over in his hands, his head bowed.

Sometime later, a boy Sirius faintly recognised knocked on the door and stuck his head into the room. “Professor McGonagall is looking for you lot.”

James smiled. “Thanks for telling us.”

When the boy left, he jumped to his feet. Sirius frowned.

“Why so hyper all of a sudden?” He asked.

“Because she might want to take us to see Mooney,” James said.

Peter stood up too, suddenly looking just as excited. But then he frowned, looking down at his feet. “But what if it’s bad news.”

Sirius sighed shakily. Lily put her arm around Peter’s waist, noting with slight satisfaction that James looked jealous.

“It won’t be bad news, Peter,” she said, trying to smile. And she knew that it was an almost meaningless phrase that everyone said at times like this, but she still added, “After all, the healers at St Mungo’s are the best in the world.”

Peter didn’t look like he believed her, but he still smiled as he wiped his damp eyes. “Thanks, Evans.”

She smiled. “It’s nothing.”

Taking Peter’s hand, Lily led the boys down the stairs and into the now bustling common room, where Professor McGonagall was waiting for them. They tried their best to ignore the other students, who started asking them questions again.

“Hello, again,” she said, but she was smiling.

McGonagall sighed at the other students as they continued to talk to the Marauders, and led them out of the common room. Out on the staircase, she continued to talk as though there hadn’t been an interruption.

“I’ve just received an owl from St Mungo’s. They informed me that Lupin is in a stable condition.”

The four teenagers sighed in relief. Sirius looked like he was about to burst into tears. James gave Peter a hug.

“Also,” McGonagall continued. “They said that he is allowed visitors. His parents said it would be all right for his closest friends to visit, so, unless there’s anything stopping you, Professor Dumbledore says it is fine for me to accompany Black, Pettigrew and Potter to the hospital.”

The three boys smiled at each other. Lily sighed, wishing she could come too, but she didn’t argue.

“I guess I’ll see you later, then,” she said, giving them each a hug. When she pulled away, James had gone very red. “Please tell me how he’s doing.”

“We will,” Peter squeaked.

“If you’ll come this way,” McGonagall said, and she led the boys to her office, where they knew they were going to be taking the Floo network to the hospital, and, hopefully, to get to see their poor friend.


End file.
